Bush: U.S. on Verge of Energy Breakthrough

President Bush today announced that

"Our nation is on the threshold of new energy technology that I think will startle the American people," Bush said. "We're on the edge of some amazing breakthroughs — breakthroughs all aimed at enhancing our national security and our economic security and the quality of life of the folks who live here in the United States."

His aides then whispered in his ear, "Mr.President, your idea of using the homeless as disposable energy sources probably won't go over with the American public" To which he replied, "Why? There are a lot of them and I'm just fucked on what else to propose" More details to come later.

Source says Dolphins' Williams to appeal failed drug test

Has Ricky Williams really tested positive for pot again? Could he really smoke up when he knows he owes millions of dollars to the Miami Dolphins? Is Ricky just a stupid person?

Of Course the answer is NO. Before everyone gets into a hoopla about how Ricky is addicted to pot, lets examine the facts. There are none! My bet is that he tested positive for some herbal remedy that helps him keep an errection for more than 10 hours in order to have tantric sex. ESPN should do an interview with his herbalist to investigate further. No doubt in my mind he'll be playing again next year.

In regards to the little Danish newspaper who published some objectionable cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad wearing a bomb in his turbine, I want to say ‘thank you!’ No, not a ‘thank you’ because the cartoon was funny and no, not a ‘thank you’ because you exercised your right to free speech. I want to thank you because your offensive and needlessly provocative cartoon proves that a large majority of the Muslim world rejects the ideas of tolerance and freedom of expression that are at the heart of modern Western societies.

After the cartoons were seen by the public in the Middle East, what did they do in response? Like any good Muslim in this area of the world, they took to the streets to burn anything in their path that had to do with democracy. Some even made the patriotic choice to throw gasoline bombs at the Austrian embassy because Austria holds the European Union presidency.

I applaud these patriots for showing the rest of the world that they can handle the very notion of free speech. I congratulate these brave men and women for standing up for strong morals of Islam in the most productive way possible. Burning down buildings and killing each other in the process sure does send a positive message to the rest of the world that you’re ready to be assimilated into modern society.

To top it off, in an act of unprecedented genius, a prominent Iranian newspaper decided to hold a contest for cartoons on the Holocaust; in order to test whether the West extends the same principle of freedom of expression to the Nazi genocide as it did to the cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. That makes sense to me, as when anyone does me wrong I try and one up them and do something worse. Are these people 5 year old kids? And just last month Iran said it would sponsor a conference to examine the scientific evidence supporting the Holocaust, an apparent attempt to give voice to Holocaust deniers.

Ever since 9/11, President Bush has made the promotion of democracy in the Middle East the center-piece of his foreign policy. Well it is 5 years later and we’re no closer to democracy in the Middle East than we were before that horrible day. So one has to question whether these people really want democracy or they just want a scapegoat for their troubles. So much for the saying that, “democracies will replace resentment with hope!” And thanks again to that little Danish newspaper for making it all so clear!